June is the month we often dedicate to the Sacred Heart of Jesus—and to our earthly fathers. It’s fitting, then, that our June podcast lineup focuses on supporting men, especially in areas of deep struggle. This episode with Steve Pokorny, founder of
Freedom Coaching, cracked open my heart in ways I didn’t expect. I walked away with a deeper understanding, greater conviction, and increased hope. I'd like to share with you what I've learned.
1. Language Matters—More Than You Think
One of the first things Steve said that floored me was how he doesn’t use the word addiction when talking about pornography. He uses the word attraction.
Let that sink in.
Attraction. Compulsion. Not addiction.
Why? Because how we name a problem shapes how we respond to it. Calling someone a “porn addict” can feel like a life sentence. But Steve reminded us: “Your identity is not what you do. You are a beloved son or daughter of God.” Naming the behavior as an attraction or a compulsion keeps the door open to healing. It tells the truth—yes, this is a serious issue—but it doesn't lock someone into hopelessness.
That shift alone is so significant for both men and women. If you're struggling, or if your husband is, it's not a life sentence. It’s a place to begin.
2. You Are Not Alone—And You Are Not to Blame
Steve shared that many of the men and women who reach out for help feel immense guilt, shame, and self-hatred. And let’s be honest—those feelings are familiar to most of us, even outside of this specific issue. Whether it’s body image, comparison, motherhood, or marriage, many of us carry the lie: “I’m not enough.”
So hear this, dear sister: If your husband is struggling with pornography, it is not your fault. Let me say that again. It is not your fault.
Steve said something so simple and yet so healing: “You are beautiful enough. You are worthy enough. If you don’t believe that, go grab a crucifix. Look at it. That’s what He did for you.”
And if you're the one struggling? Whether it's pornography, emotional fantasy, or even what the world calls “harmless” books or shows—there is hope. There is healing. You are not dirty. You are not lost. You are beloved.
3. There’s a Lie We’ve All Inhaled—And It’s in the Air We Breathe
At one point, Steve used a phrase that just hit me in the gut: “You drank from the septic tank.”
Yes. That’s what our culture offers us. Not pure, fresh water. Not living water. But sewage. And we’ve been drinking it for so long that we don’t even notice the smell.
I think of things like Fifty Shades of Grey, or even the “spicy” fantasy novels that women pass around at work or book club. I used to wonder, “How did we get here?” Now I know—it was slow. Subtle. Insidious. The devil doesn’t show up looking scary. He shows up wrapped in curiosity, in pleasure, in what looks like empowerment.
But all of it chips away at who we really are. And if we don’t start getting curious—as Steve encouraged us—about why we’re turning to these things, we’ll stay trapped.
What am I longing for? What am I hoping to feel? What am I missing?
Jesus isn’t afraid of those questions. He already knows the answers. But He wants you to know them too.
4. Healing Requires Gentleness—and Courage
Freedom Coaching doesn’t offer a quick fix. Steve made that really clear. There’s no Band-Aid. No magic prayer that makes it all go away.
But there is real healing—and it begins with gentleness.
He said every client walks in the door with guilt, shame, and self-hatred. But the first word they’re given is gentle.
Be gentle with yourself. Be where you are. Feel what you’re feeling.
You don’t heal by hating yourself. You heal by receiving the truth: God delights in you. Right now. Even before you’ve “gotten it all together.”
That said, gentleness doesn’t mean passivity. This is a battle. Steve’s team walks into the fire with people. But they also point the way out.
5. Betrayal Trauma Is Real—and Jesus Wants to Heal It Too
When a husband struggles with pornography, the wife is often left shattered. Steve didn’t gloss over that. In fact, he’s developing a program specifically for women dealing with betrayal trauma. (Stay tuned for that!)
He emphasized how important it is for women to have a support system—other faithful women who will hold you up when it’s hard to hold your marriage together. Not friends who say, “Just leave him,” but sisters who say, “I’m walking with you. Let’s take this to Jesus together.”
That’s what we need. More spiritual sisters. More women who are willing to walk into the mess with each other, not run from it.
6. Day Zero Starts Now
Steve’s phrase “Today is Day Zero” struck me deeply. Not Day One. Day Zero. Why? Because every day is a new start. Not just a reset, but a radical restart.
If this is in your life, your marriage, your children’s lives—let today be Day Zero.
You may need to rip off the Band-Aid and have a hard conversation with your husband.
You may need to admit that you are the one struggling.
Maybe you’ve been walking in shame for too long, believing this was just “your cross.”
Sister, your cross is not the end of the story. Resurrection is real. Jesus didn’t stay in the tomb, and neither do you.
7. Marriage Is a Room with No Fire Escape
One of the most beautiful images from this conversation came near the end. I shared something that Steve echoed: Marriage is a room with no fire escape.
That image has anchored me through 38 years of marriage.
It means we’re not looking for an exit strategy—we’re looking for healing. Not just survival, but sanctity. That’s why the Church teaches us that marriage is a sacrament. It’s a visible sign of God’s grace. And that grace can carry us through betrayal, heartbreak, and the healing process.
Steve reminded us: Even if he isn’t faithful, you can be. That’s hard. That’s heroic. And that’s the kind of love that changes the world.
Final Thoughts: Let the Light In
I’ll be honest—this episode wasn’t easy to record. It brought up real pain, real stories, and real memories. But it also reminded me of something even deeper:
We are not alone. We are not powerless. We are not hopeless.
Jesus came to heal the brokenhearted and set the captives free.
And He is doing it—right now, through ministries like Freedom Coaching, through
Wisdom Wellness Coaching, through women like you who are brave enough to open their hearts.
If today feels heavy, start here:
And let Jesus in. He is not afraid of the mess.
In fact, He specializes in it.