Raising teenagers can feel like navigating a maze — full of unexpected turns, growth spurts (both physical and emotional), and moments of both distance and deep connection. In this episode of Cycles and Sanctity, we had the incredible privilege of sitting down with Dr. Virginia Koch, a Catholic coach and mentor for college students, to discuss how parents can build deeper, more virtuous relationships with their teens — and how this effort lays a foundation that serves them long into adulthood.
One powerful theme ran through our conversation: Harmony is possible when we focus less on controlling outcomes and more on fostering virtue, understanding, and true emotional support.
Moving Beyond "Just Getting Along"
As Dr. Koch shared, many families initially come to her with a simple hope: “We just want to get along better.”
It’s an understandable goal — after all, the teen years can be marked by tension, miscommunication, and growing independence. But what Dr. Koch discovered was that simply aiming to "get along" wasn’t enough. Real growth happened when parents and teens shifted their focus to virtues — qualities like patience, kindness, perseverance, humility, and courage.
When a teen understands that their relationship with their parents (and vice versa) is a place where virtue can be practiced, everything changes. Instead of viewing conflict as a threat, both parent and child can begin to see challenges as opportunities to grow in holiness.
"Thinking through the virtues, and how they could grow in virtue through their understanding of their relationship, really helped the two of them," Dr. Koch explained, reflecting on one of the families she coached.
In other words: the goal isn't just surface peace. It's deep, transformative harmony, rooted in God’s call to love and sanctify one another.
Supporting Teens Before the Crisis Hits
Another vital insight Dr. Koch shared is how crucial it is to support young people early, before they hit the major transitions of life — like going off to college.
We talked about how important it is to reach teens while they're still in high school, encouraging them to find support systems that will strengthen their faith and emotional resilience. As Dr. Koch pointed out, when students already feel supported — when they have adults who care about their growth and offer them tools to succeed — they are much more likely to seek out good communities once they leave home, like the Newman Centers on college campuses.
"If you can get to the 14-year-old, or the high school senior that's about to become a college freshman, it just makes such a big difference to feel supported when they walk in the door," she shared ."They might actually go to the Newman Center because someone believed in them, encouraged them, and planted that seed."
Parents, mentors, and Catholic coaches all have a role to play here: being one more voice of encouragement, one more reminder that the teen is not alone in their journey of faith and identity.
Coaching as a New Avenue of Support
One of the most exciting parts of the conversation was uncovering how Catholic coaching can be a hidden gem for families.
Many people are familiar with spiritual direction or counseling — but they might not realize that coaching is another powerful (and distinctly Catholic) option. Coaching focuses on growth, clarity, goal setting, and virtue development, helping teens (and parents) move forward with hope rather than staying stuck in old patterns.
"A lot of people don’t even know coaching is an option from a Catholic perspective," I shared during our talk. "Having that as another resource is incredibly helpful."
Dr. Koch agreed. While she's quick to refer students to other resources when needed — including counseling or spiritual direction — she emphasized that coaching uniquely equips young people to take ownership of their growth. It’s not about fixing what’s broken. It’s about calling out and nurturing what’s good.
Imagine if your teen knew from the start that they didn’t have to figure out life alone — that God had placed mentors, coaches, and communities around them to help them thrive.
That’s the kind of hope Catholic coaching offers.
Practical Steps for Parents: Building Harmony at Home
Throughout the episode, we kept coming back to practical ways parents can foster virtue and harmony with their teens right now — not waiting until a crisis hits.
Here are some key takeaways Dr. Koch emphasized:
1. Focus on Growth, Not Just Behavior
Instead of reacting to the latest argument or bad grade, ask:
This changes the focus from control to collaboration — from fear to faith.
2. Support Their Faith Journey Early
If your teen knows where the Newman Center is before stepping onto campus, if they’ve visited a vibrant parish youth group, or if they've simply seen you prioritize the Sacraments and prayer, they are much more likely to stay rooted when the culture around them pulls otherwise.
Encourage them early — and often — to seek out faithful communities.
3. Know the Difference Between Counseling, Spiritual Direction, and Coaching
Counseling: Often focused on healing mental health issues or trauma.
Spiritual Direction: Focused on discerning God's voice and deepening prayer life.
Coaching: Focused on building goals, growing in virtue, and moving forward.
All three have value. Knowing the difference helps you guide your teen to the right kind of support at the right time.
4. Plant Seeds of Trust and Hope
Every conversation with your teen, even the messy ones, is an opportunity to plant seeds. Seeds of:
“I believe in you.”
“God is working in you.”
“You are never alone.”
Those seeds grow, even if you can’t always see it right away.
A Final Word of Encouragement
Working in harmony with your teen doesn’t mean avoiding conflict or pretending everything is perfect. It means walking the path of virtue together, with all its bumps and beauty, trusting that God is forming both of your hearts along the way.
And if you need help? Reach out. Whether through a faithful coach, a spiritual director, or a trusted mentor — you don't have to do this alone. Neither does your teen.
"We’re not the be-all and end-all," Dr. Koch reminded us. "But we are one more resource — one more place to find the encouragement and support that leads to true flourishing."
Your teen was made for greatness. And so were you.
Let’s walk this journey of virtue, growth, and love — together.