I loved God.
I prayed.
I went to Mass.
I received the sacraments.
I was trying to raise my children in the Catholic faith.
So why was I still so triggered?
Why could one of my children push just the right button and suddenly I was yelling?
Why could something my husband said send my emotions soaring?
Why could I know exactly how I wanted to respond—and then do the complete opposite?
And then came the worst part.
The guilt and shame afterward.
I remember thinking, What is wrong with me?
I love Jesus. I know how a Christian woman is supposed to act. Why can't I get my emotions under control?
During my recent conversation with Catholic coach
Andrew Lanchoney, I said something that described so much of my younger motherhood:
“Why are my emotions ruling over me, and I'm acting out in a way that is not becoming of a Christian?”
That was me.
And I know I'm not the only Catholic woman who has experienced it.
The Trigger Isn't Always the Real Problem
When we're triggered, our natural tendency is to look outside ourselves.
If my child would just listen…
If my husband wouldn't say that…
If everyone would stop needing something from me…
If I weren't so overwhelmed…
If I could just get some sleep…
Then I wouldn't react this way.
But one of the most important things I've learned through my own healing and through becoming a Catholic mindset and temperaments coach is this:
The circumstance may trigger something in me,
but my response is happening inside of me.
That's why I teach my clients about our Locus of Control.
What do I actually have control over?
I can't control how quickly my three-year-old puts on his shoes.
I can't control what my teenager says.
I can't control my husband's behavior.
I can't control another person's emotions.
But I can begin learning what is happening inside of me when I react.
Andrew and I talked about how many of us were simply never taught these skills.
It's like being placed in a woodshop, handed a power saw and being expected to know exactly what to do.
We were never taught how to use the tools.
Your Emotions Aren't the Enemy
This is especially important for women.
How often have we heard:
She's too emotional.
Or maybe you've said it about yourself:
I'm just too emotional.
No.
Your emotions aren't the problem.
As Andrew reminded us, the Catechism doesn't classify emotions themselves as morally good or bad.
Sometimes they're comfortable.
Sometimes they're extremely uncomfortable!
But they are communicating something.
I like to tell women that our emotions are like the lights on the dashboard of our car.
When the tire-pressure light comes on, I don't scream at the dashboard.
I don't cover the light with tape.
And I certainly don't decide the entire car is defective!
I ask:
What is this light trying to tell me?
We can learn to do the same thing with our emotions.
What is this anxiety telling me?
What is underneath this anger?
Why did that comment hurt so much?
What am I afraid of?
What am I believing right now?
Instead of immediately reacting to an emotion—or condemning ourselves for having it—we can become curious about it.
Sometimes the Reaction Is Protecting a Wound
This is where my conversation with Andrew went even deeper.
Sometimes underneath the emotion is a belief we've carried for years.
I'm a bad mother.
My needs don't matter.
I have to keep everyone happy.
I can't disappoint anyone.
I'm not safe.
I'm powerless.
Those beliefs may have developed when we were very young.
Andrew gave the example of a woman who learned that she had to take care of everyone else before her own needs could be met.
Eventually that can become something like:
“I can't be happy unless other people are happy.”
Imagine the pressure that belief creates.
And then imagine what happens emotionally when your husband isn't happy.
Or your child isn't happy.
Or someone is disappointed with you.
Suddenly you're not simply responding to what is happening today.
An old wound has been touched.
“Could Something Else Be True?”
This is one of my favorite questions to ask when I'm coaching:
Could something else be true?
Maybe you've believed:
I'm a bad mother.
And if I immediately tell you, “No, you're an amazing mother!” a part of you might reject it.
No, I'm not.
So we don't have to jump from one extreme to another.
We can loosen the knot.
We gently begin loosening what has become so tightly wound.
Am I a bad mother 100% of the time?
Probably not.
Is there evidence that I love my children?
Yes.
Could something else also be true?
Maybe…
I'm learning to become the mother God is calling me to be.
Andrew beautifully explained that sometimes we've even used self-condemnation as motivation:
“I can beat myself up… to be better.”
But, as he quickly added:
“That doesn't usually work out.”
No, it doesn't.
I Wanted the Cycle to Stop With Me
This work is deeply personal for me.
When I was struggling with infertility more than 30 years ago, I went through a serious depression.
During that time, I learned something about my own mother that I had never known.
My mother died when I was five years old, so I didn't know much about her emotional or mental health history.
When I asked my dad about it, he told me about a time when he was serving in Vietnam and the Red Cross contacted him because my mother had what he called a “nervous breakdown.”
Hearing that as a young woman struggling with my own depression hit me hard.
I remember making a vow:
“This is going to stop with me.”
I had this image of plugging a hole in a dam.
No more.
I wasn't going to allow this pain to continue flowing into another generation.
But here's the difficult part of that story.
I had the desire, but I didn't have the tools.
I've spent more than 30 years learning those tools.
And some of my own children have still struggled with anxiety and depression.
That breaks my mother's heart.
But today I see that story differently.
I don't have to look backward and condemn that younger Jane.
I can keep healing.
I can keep learning.
I can keep allowing Jesus into those places.
And I can teach other women the tools I wish I had understood so many years ago.
Healing Doesn't Mean You'll Never Be Triggered Again
One of my favorite moments in our conversation was when we talked about Sister Miriam James Heidland saying she had been on a healing journey for twenty years.
Twenty years?!
At first I remember thinking, Really?
But now I understand.
Healing isn't a finish line.
There are layers.
There are old thoughts and emotions that sometimes show up again.
There are wounds we thought were healed that God invites us to look at more deeply.
His mercy is new every morning.
And I have experienced this in my own life.
There was a time when hopelessness and powerlessness could send me spiraling toward self-pity and depression.
Today, those emotions can still appear.
The difference is that I recognize them.
I know they aren't who I am.
I can notice them and say:
Wait a minute.
What's happening here?
What am I believing?
Is this true?
Lord, what do You want me to know?
That is transformation.
Not never experiencing an uncomfortable emotion again.
But learning how to respond differently when it comes.
Jesus Came to Set the Captives Free
This is ultimately why this work matters so much to me.
Jesus didn't come so that we could spend our lives trapped in shame.
He came to heal.
To redeem.
To restore.
To set captives free.
I love the image of God as the potter.
Sometimes life has distorted the shape.
Wounds have affected us.
Messages were given to us that we interpreted in ways that created painful beliefs.
Our own choices have had consequences.
But God doesn't look at the clay and throw it away.
He reforms it.
He restores us.
He makes us whole.
And He continually reminds us:
You are Mine.
I love you.
I delight in you.
I created you for a purpose.
Your triggers don't disqualify you from God's love.
They may actually be an invitation to discover a place where He desires to bring greater healing and freedom.
Why I'm So Excited to Do This Work With Andrew
One of the great blessings of becoming a Catholic coach has been meeting other people who have a deep desire to help others experience genuine transformation in Christ.
Andrew is a husband and father of five, a Catholic coach certified through Metanoia, and he has also trained in Internal Family Systems work. In his private coaching, he helps people uncover emotional blockages, beliefs, memories and the different “parts” of themselves that may be influencing how they respond today.
He also coaches men through
Freedom Coaching, helping them find freedom from pornography and unchaste behaviors—not simply by trying harder to stop a behavior, but by allowing Jesus into the deeper wounds and desires underneath it.
And that's one of the reasons I love talking with Andrew.
We both want to go deeper than behavior.
I may come at this work through mindset, beliefs, emotions, temperaments and our locus of control. Andrew brings this beautiful understanding of our interior “parts”—the places within us that may still be protecting wounds, carrying old memories or reacting from beliefs we formed years ago.
But both of us keep coming back to the same Person:
Jesus Christ.
This isn't simply about learning another psychological technique so we can manage ourselves better.
We want to understand what is happening inside of us so we can bring those places to the Lord and allow Him to heal, redeem and restore us.
Andrew described his work beautifully when he said:
“It's just awesome to be a witness to the transformation that the Lord's bringing.”
That's his coach's heart.
And I got to experience that heart personally when Andrew and I finally met face-to-face at the
Encounter Conference.We had known each other online for months, but there is something different about sitting beside another human being, talking heart-to-heart, praying together and giving someone a big hug!
And wouldn't you know it? The Lord brought Andrew and me together in a deeper way on the day of healing.
Looking back, it feels incredibly providential.
Andrew said it too:
“The Lord's always perfect… it was so providential.”
Since then, I've become even more excited about what happens when we bring together the practical tools we've learned as coaches with the healing power of Jesus Christ.
Because Andrew isn't interested in teaching you to suppress your emotions.
Neither am I.
We aren't going to tell you, Stop being triggered. Try harder. Be holier.
We want to help you understand:
What is happening inside of me?
What is this emotion trying to communicate?
What belief might I be carrying?
What part of me is trying to protect me?
And where does Jesus want to enter into this?
Andrew said something during our conversation that I want you to remember:
“It's not my work. It's the Lord's work.”
Amen.
That's exactly why I'm so excited for you to spend an hour with both of us.
Andrew and I will bring different experiences, different training and different ways of helping you understand your interior life.
But ultimately, we're going to bring it all to Jesus.
And then we're going to give Him room to work.
Join Andrew and Me on October 22
That's why I'm so excited that Andrew and I are taking this conversation one step further.
On October 22, we're offering a FREE workshop where we'll help you understand some of the “parts” of yourself that become activated when you're triggered.
We'll help you grow in emotional awareness and begin recognizing the beliefs and wounds that may be underneath some of your reactions.
And then we're going to bring what we've uncovered to Jesus through prayer.
Because ultimately, He is the healer.
Andrew shared the story of a client who went through a prayer of renunciation with him. When she returned for her next session, he immediately noticed something was different.
She was smiling.
And she told him she could move her neck in a way she hadn't been able to before.
Andrew said:
“The Lord can do amazing things.”
Yes, He can.
I don't know what Jesus wants to do in your heart during this workshop.
But I know what I want for you.
I want you to stop believing that being triggered means you're failing as a Catholic woman.
I want you to understand what your emotions are communicating.
I want you to become curious about the beliefs underneath your reactions.
I want you to recognize what is within your control.
And most of all, I want you to experience Jesus not as someone standing over you in disappointment—
but as the One who desires to heal, restore, redeem and set you free.
FREE WORKSHOP — OCTOBER 22
You Love God… So Why Are You Still Triggered?
Come learn with Andrew and me as we explore emotional triggers, parts, healing and prayer—and invite Jesus into the places within us that still need His healing touch.
Register for FREE on the Wisdom Wellness Coaching website.
[INSERT REGISTRATION LINK]
You don't have to be ashamed of what comes up.
Maybe it's simply time to ask:
Jesus, what do I want to heal in me?